Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
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It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
#Caturday
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?