DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
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Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Need WebMD