Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Yup.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.