Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
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[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.