Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop