“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung