I triple waxed for this?
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Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.