him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
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I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
It’s the weekend y’all
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.