Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
You Might Also Like
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.