If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Hot Hot Hot
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed