I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
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A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me when my alarm goes off
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!