“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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#growingpains
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.