some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake