‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots