wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
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Cool shirt 🙂
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*