Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
#SuperBowl
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before