Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”