me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
📽️movie date🎞️
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.