I falcon love using swear birds
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Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Happy Friday
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree