I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!