I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Good Morning.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅