employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
u spoke cat all this time??????
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it