Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
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i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?