‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
You Might Also Like
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Flowers bee like
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
This is my pinned tweet
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Before & after 😅
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”