“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you