me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”