it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I falcon love using swear birds
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
They also CAN sing✌️
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.