I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.