Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
*Seductively hides in the woods
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.