Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS