Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other