therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.