I’m Sold!
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.