STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Breaking news:
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas