4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
me when i see my girls butt
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this