The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.