”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
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I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Meanwhile in Portland…
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad