One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
You Might Also Like
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
meow
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.