I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
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Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.