[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
You Might Also Like
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
a lot to unpack here
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?