Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
RT if you know someone like this!!!
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.