me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.