My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I’m awake but I object,
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots