searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a