I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Everything reminds me of my ex
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets