I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat