My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
no one likes gloating
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.