i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Customize Your Wedding.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Just a bush.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
When you’re here for the treats.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.