“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
#Caturday
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.