I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.