me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle